Back to work

I dreamt last night that I was back at my old job. In the dream, I felt confident & besides the fact that I felt my task was familiar - my confidence seemed to be based on the recurring thought of how much money I would make.

Sourcing the dream isn't difficult: I had a conversation this weekend with a former co-worker who was walking her dog by the house where J & I were helping our pals move. That covers the old job part - & I did make a comment about salaries...

What's interesting to me, about the dream, is how good it felt to be back in a familiar environment. So much changed last year - it's been months since I've felt anything at all familiar. At work, I could accomplish almost anything & the team of folks I worked with could do the same. And while our old place took forever to furnish - I enjoyed the bare spaces, which seemed more conducive to imagining what I wanted, moreso than our current, kinda crowded space.

Acclimating to the new place & to a different workstyle is a bit bizarre - I keep having to pull myself back on track & I don't honestly know this track very well. I am trying to push through my own resistance & it feels as though I'm getting nowhere. My recent vb job ended & ended well, so I'm confident that I'm capable of building the business of working for myself - I'm heading a week of seminars at Kepler & the garage continues to improve, for studio purposes. Things don't look bleak - but I can't seem to relax. J has been helping out a lot & is working on his own stuff to boot. Anyway, I'm going on faith these days.

I talked with a friend of mine today about being nervous about the new responsibilities of caring for a house. It's been a topic with a few folks recently. She asked if I'd owned a house before & then we went off on a tangent that owning your first house is like going out with a guy for the first time - you want to make sure everything is perfect, relating with such care feels impossibly fragile and so every moment is charged. That's my version, anyway. I feel that way for the house & am overwhelmed.

In another way, while I'm hungry to dive into all of the fun of the house, I'm hesitant, because I am really doing this for the first time. I can unpack my things. That's a big deal. I just wish I could perceive with a little more clarity how that clock is ticking. We could be here just 5 years, for example. This mortal stuff is not permanent. I won't be here forever & so placement & specificity have their time - but even that time is passing.