whupps...some of this is tiring

Tough times, if not for me, for many around me. I tire of fighting off the frustrations of the day. I'm looking for something inspiring.

Tough, to see what is coming next. Still, the desire to act is first & foremost & I feel better able to handle contingencies.

It's the holiday season (and day 11 of the 2005 Jason Bennett birthday season), I should say what I'm grateful for:

• Dreams - still enigmatic & rarely simple to reduce
• Family - honestly
• Work - simply aiming to focus more precisely
• Friends - I learn forever from them, their stories sustain me, love amazes me and these challenges test me

I'm pretty sure that everything is contained within that list.

Almost decent

Whew, time sure does fly. It feels like yesterday I was contemplating leaving life in the corporate world & striving to do right before I departed. Now, it's almost 6 months later & things are revving up for our trip to Turkey.

The show was lovely, plenty of folks came by, including some peeps & my initially critical views of my own work were softened by repeat views. I'm not there yet, but if I work at it, I think I can do justice to art.

J & I went running this morning. A temperature inversion has created the typically enigmatic fog that is so attractive & J made sure to take me to a footpath through the tall cedars & other pines that dot our neighborhood. The water in the muddy grass gave a slight edge to the ethereal surroundings.

I'm wrapping up a job with a cancer ward at a local research facility. It's been very humbling to be present while others receive experimental treatment that surely causes them suffering. I try to stay modest as I move through the waiting room & to smile as I see everyone - knowing that feeling unwell, as they most likely do, would lead some of the patients to be impatient with my joy & gratitude. I imagine myself in their position & feel myself steeling my body, as though to ward off an impact. None of us know when we'll be struck down & I hope I can be graceful, but will settle for honest.

The job is to write code for excel. Fun stuff. I've learned lots to flesh out my already substantial knowledge & a new appreciation for the various layers of coding folk who automate what would inevitably be dulling routines for busy people.

I'll be glad to be done, though. I'm ready to get back to the work of unpacking. I was able to sort out the remainders of the upstairs that J hadn't gotten to this weekend. It feels more peaceful upstairs & with the reduction in space, we don't have the spartan digs that we did for years and years at the rental place.

Our home is still so enchanting. We have gone outside at night to shoot photos many times, in fact J has some awesome shots from Sunday night. The greenhouse sits vacant tho - all I can come up with in the time I have to do research on the web, describes our greenhouse as a coldframe system that is best used in the fall or spring. I'll wait until I get a clearer picture of what needs to happen to make it useable & what plants will benefit before I set up shop there.

I'll sign off now, have to get back to work. With a bit of rest, I now feel almost decent...

The show opens Saturday

I'm putting the final touches on the work that's showing at Dandelion this weekend. Just got this poem in the mail - thought it touched nicely on desire and creation:

The rock splits open like wings beat
air, wanting. Campfire gives in to rain,
but I can't go to sleep, or be patient.

Part of me wants to eat the stones
and hold you back when you're leaving,
'till your good laughing turns bitter and wrong.

I worry I won't have someone to talk to, and breathe with.
Don't you understand I'm some kind of food for you?
I'm a place where you can work.

The bottle is corked and sitting on the table.
Someone comes in and sees me without you
and puts his hand on my head like I'm a child.

This is so difficult.

-- Poetic version by Coleman Barks
"Open Secret"
Threshold Books, 1984

Hurry up and wait - the too much at once version

Spent the weekend on the road, with firm intentions of spending most of that time in Twisp. Twisp, east of the mountains. Right off of Rt. 20 and accessible by either 20 or 2, depending on the weather. The weather, as in other parts of our great nation, has been erratic. A few details: snow storm in the North Cascades closed 20 this weekend, followed by a rockslide closing I-90 both ways just a day or two later.

Five of us went, in two cars. Laura and I spent two hours at the spa before meeting up with Lee, Tricia and Laurie at noon. When it came time to vote - 2 or 20, we all chose 20 & off we went. DOT site suggested that 20 was clear, but neglected to mention the planned avalanche control closure that would start, ironically enough, just as we arrived at the turn onto 20. So, at 3pm, we retraced our steps to 2. I was a bit fussy, but game to keep going. When Tricia suggested we stop at the Bavarian Village themed town of Leavenworth for the night - I was able to drop the fuss.

My photos from the trip aren't up yet. I'll admit that in Leavenworth I took photos of the hotel pool - to my amusement, it was in a bubble and heated. The usual fodder for photos of that lovely spot are more mountainous and bavarian. I was able to get some photos of the taxidermied deer & bear in the local Twisp grocery store too, but my batteries were drained by the time we got to the cabin. So no aspen and snowfall, no beaver dam or playing in the snow...

With the night's stay at Leavenworth, it took us a nice, round 24 hours to reach the cabin. We had a blast over the weekend - I brought my canvases for this week's show opening & got up to the usual hijinks with the girls. 'Course, time to go came too soon & after leaving at noon on Sunday, Laura and I were pleased that we got to the pass so quickly. That pleasure was shortlived tho... the final tally for this (typically 4.5hr) trip came to a rousing 7 hrs. The best was that when we got home, I didn't have the right keys to get into the house.

J was at the last of the Earshot Jazz shows & I missed him since our trip home took so long. Laura left a message on his cell phone for me - mine was in the house. I was so pent up from spending too much time idling & so I turned down Laura's offer to come with her to her place. I could get into the garage & I was sure that something would shake loose & I'd be able to enjoy the evening. That said, I did ask her to ask J to come on home, the sooner the better.

I was fussy now, but determined to ride out the night. I started unpacking the many boxes in the garage (which I could get into), noticing that J busted butt this weekend. I stubbornly tried to move my flatfiles on my own, earning myself a sore hip & shoulder this morning. I swept the patio free of leaves, which I deposited on the lawn (couldn't find any bags in the garage). I manhandled the catdoor and tried anything I could find to get me in the house.

Time passed.

I sat on the front porch, debated painting in my non-painting clothes and waited.

A little more time passed.

Ok, really, a lot of time passed. J came home at 11:30 and parked behind me. I don't think he was expecting to see me pop up in front of him. Talk about a sight for sore eyeballs. I was really pleased to see him. He got through the stories of the night, with my story tumbling out at the same time & we walked around inside the house - with him showing me what he'd done.

Nothing is quite as sweet as knowing that at some point, you'll be clean and cozy and wrapped up in quilts after being cold-ish, alone (even when you want that) and locked out. We talked and talked, catching up on the weekend and the grind that is coming for us in this week. Then, I got to sleep.

There's an astrological configuration right now that is all about hurry up and wait & it'll be in effect through the 5th of Dec. In fact, things are likely to get more confusing and less clear in just the next week, through the end of the month. For everyone, no kidding.

The funny thing about this weekend is that, with all of the blocked bits, I only barely got a sense of the frustration J's been dealing with lately. I can't even think of the rest of the folks I know. Haven't asked anyone, but I'll wager I'm not the only one thinking things could go a bit smoother.

Well, I should wrap up now. I'm in an internet cafe, our wireless is out at the house. Of course, we could make that a priority - but, um, that's so far down on our list it's not funny. So the periodic entries will be sparse-ish.

This week'll be a complete bear. I wish y'all luck if you'd do me the same courtesy.