I am sad to report that there is an unseemly odor coming from the kitchen. I meant to do dishes hours ago & hit the hay early, but each time I go into the kitchen, I'm caught off guard by the very wrong smell. I'm guessing it's the soup from early Jan. that was set on the stove. It could be the odd spaghetti that Jason got for dinner tonight, or the remnants of homemade chili. I'm stumped & stalling.

On a brighter note, I installed comments - whoo hoo!

Jason pointed out that having someone over to clear clutter in our home leaves me burnt out & him in the dark about what's gone where in his absence. He's right on both counts. My take on being burnt out is more akin to cauterizing - both sterilizing and concluding - my focus on the past. Regarding the latter point - we've agreed to use this disorientation to stir discussion about how we want the house to be...

We spent a large part of today addressing that question. In addition to having spent 3 hours clearing through old art supplies, hanging canvas to create a "room" for my garage studio & separating the give-aways from the garbage downstairs - Jason and I spent a few hours cutting boxes into recycle-able chunks & loading the car with broken lamps & stereos. I hauled the lot to the dump & brought the car back in time for Jason to go grab our week of groceries. Today was chore day, without a doubt.

It didn't end there - or hasn't, rather. I got to spent time in my newly warm & beautifully organized art studio. After scanning for a while, the latest photos are web ready & up at Oblique Deck. That's pics from Orcas Island, where our ride to the top of Mt. Constitution yielded views that made me feel like I was on the top of the world & the hike we took had surprisingly varied terrain and was super satisfying. There are pics from the visit with Matt at New Years, though not truly representative - I haven't scanned all of those pics in yet... But we did take a detour through a greenhouse that was inspiring - the plants against the yellow light on the panes of glass were enough to get me to empty the polaroid camera. Those pics are up.

Meltdown Management


I am 15 minutes away from the appointment with the clutter cleaner. Is the house the way I would want it to be before her arrival? Is it reflecting my intention to implement the systems she introduced? The answer to these questions is no.

So, I'm having the anticipated meltdown. Struggling against the urge to clean like a kamikaze, to be more presentable. I do really want to get more organized & if it takes a while to learn it - how does that differ with learning how to work out or learning how to think strategically at work? It doesn't really.

I've been thinking about the things that come up for me when I get defensive about tasks, chores & especially deadlines. Deadlines are the kicker for me. I hate missing deadlines, but - evidently - not enough stop missing them. I made a list for today's prep & it has the word deadlines written at the bottom with a little drawing of a tombstone on top of it - with the requisite R.I.P. Then I imagined the crooked finger of death, beckoning. So, I summarized that to comply with deadlines is to walk into death & to avoid & miss them is therefore more acceptable, although not without irritation. I'm sure all of that's way off, maybe even from what factors contribute to my resistance, most certainly it's off from what deadlines actually mean. But it was fun to run through those associations.

She may be here. Oh, Geez.

Back from a weekend in the San Juan's, on Orcas Island. We arrived late, drove for a while, then walked up to the inn & saw a goofy looking fawn standing by what looked like the office. Jason walked right up to it & it came over to see what was in his hands. We had a good weekend.

I came home to feeling a bit pinched by stuff, as I'll be clutter cleaning later this week & I've done little to prepare. So, tonight, I pulled everything out of my old car - my mechanic recommends that I get rid of it (it was a bad deal when I got it).

I also went through my old journals - looks like I have everything from '94 on. I got rid of 5 of the notebooks, but kept the Dan Smith Dream Notebook - a place where, for a time, co-workers wrote about dreams they had that were work-related. It was a hoot to read. Lots of stuff has gone on since '94, so it was a bit much to read through it all, mostly felt good to toss a fair chunk of it.

The rest of the week's plan looks a bit sketchy - I'll have to get ready, or not, for clutter removal - social events are peeping from the ethernet & work continues to be a moving target. I feel all cloudy & surrounded, weighed down, by the belongings I'm letting go of - hard to see it alongside the beauty & quiet I've gathered to me from the weekend.

All day and night, music,
a quiet, bright
reedsong. If it
fades, we fade.
-Rumi

When times get particularly hard - for me or people I care about - I imagine, as a prayer, salt falling like snow from the sky and, along with the salt - glowing, white crabapple blossoms. The meaning that this prayer holds for me is cleansing, from the idea of salt & the healing that comes from compassion toward self, which I think of as the crabapple blossoms.

I'm sending this prayer out now.

Recent Films watched:
Talk to Her - Pedro Almodovar's moving, utterly surreal treatise on love & human fragility
The Italian Job - a serviceable Hollywood perfume ad/action flick with a mediocre ending
Heaven - Tom Twyker's (run lola run) not-actually-a-tear-jerker film about redemption after doing very bad things
Scarface - Geez this is a violent movie.
The Princess & the Warrior - Tom Twyker, again. This one was indecipherable - he seems to make movies that are stronger visually than storywise, the story seemed to be an embryonic version of Heaven (see above)
All About My Mother - Crazy Pedro Almodovar unleashes Barcelona on us all
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Came home fussy tonight. Fussy is tiring to me just now, I'll have plenty to be fussy about for quite some time - there's no need to rush into it.

I started the day after what felt like a breath of sleep. Arriving home late yesterday, I opted to snooze after a filling pho dinner, just about around 9pm. Next thing I know, it's 4:13am & I've got 17 minutes of free time before the alarm goes off. I stumble out of bed & join Jason at the computer. He's still up, having finally rigged the computer to work upstairs after the dsl connection wires broke yesterday morning. Disoriented & working to convince myself that I've slept plenty & need to pay attention today, I pack my bag for yoga - grabbing a smooch & heading out the door.

Beginning Yoga - I started doing this in December or November. I don't get it at all, but am trying to be patient & stretch more. Both are easily accomplished in this practice, and that I get. The calm, carefully attentive feeling I'm left with lingers for hours and hours after those funny classes.

Work started off slow - folks were away at the reorg meeting & I watched it online, blissfully away from the gigantic crowds. There were a few cliffhangers throughout the day, keeping me busy & I wished I had someone following behind me to catch the tasks that resulted from incidental chats in the hallway and such. A bit stressful, but in that positive challenge-type way. Lot's to do and a significant portion of it to do this week.

I lingered later than I meant to resolve a sticky issue & then found myself lingering and lingering. After making final notes for tomorrow's lot, I fussed myself to the car & drove home. This fussing, it lasted for an hour after I got home, until I finished the dishes & got caught up with Jason.

We're taking it easy tonight. Still both feeling a bit overwhelmed by what we're up to these days. Feels like we need to stay on point.

I'll wrap up here with an e-mail excerpt from Jason:

"Each year, Edge.org comes up with a question and asks hundreds of scientific/intellectual types to consider their own approach to answering it. This year, the question is "What is Your Law?" Some chose to answer given their longwinded (if genius) research in other areas, rejiggering for the answer (see Ray Kurzweil: http://www.edge.org/q2004/page4.html#kurzweil).

While others tackled some current issues under the guise of answering questions (See George Lakoff: http://www.edge.org/q2004/page4.html#lakoff). I don't know that any answer the question, but most all of them are very engaging and worth plowing through (my fav thus far: http://www.edge.org/q2004/page4.html#mirsky, or wait - Raymond's last one: http://www.edge.org/q2004/index.html#raymond).

My law? Do it my way or watch your butt. That or, sprint at 4:30, nap at 5 o'clock."

You get extra points if you can find the source for Jason's first law.

Whupped & past the commitments to holiday community - time to reflect & center...

Top moments from vacation:
*Cougar tracks in Pali Mountain camp, hiking & turn practice
*Shebi Arus - the resulting feelings of peace and quiet
*Rim of the World High School
*Solstice dinner
*Spending the holidays with family
*Pablo Neruda poetry books
*New Years with Jason & Matt
*A snow day
*Looking through the photos of the last year or so

Lowlights:
*Travel paralysis
*Rushing through holiday cards & not getting them out to everyone
*Trying to get back into the schedule that offers me so much & seeing, everywhere, resistance

Jason's playlist tonight (from Porch Sub Continent) :

* Patti Smith singing "Talking about my generation" with John Cale.
* Minute Men singing "Dr. Woo"
* "Humble Mumble" OutKast
* "Intro" Mos Def Black on Both Sides
* "Thorn in my Pride" Black Crowes

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I began this post on the 30th, just before Matt got here. We've been unmoored by all of the changes to our schedules over the last month & regrouping is still tough. I keep thinking I'll be inspired to sort through the mail & get the house together. I may not have written about this before - but I've been working with a woman who helps folks organize, as a gift to myself for my birthday & she's due in for remedial review in a week or so. Stakes is high, as they say & I'm so not feeling inspired. She's specifically working with me on the art studio - it's a massive undertaking & I'm feeling the pruning shears at roots I thought I'd get to keep forever. Unnerving, but liberating at the same time.

Tonight I watched movies & sorted photos. I could list the things I thought I'd get through, but it would be an exercise in frustration. Tomorrow it's back to work - I'm enjoying work these days - odd, with a massive reorg coming - but there you go. Things are hopping & I've got to be on my toes, comes as a relief to have concrete actions after all of this ephemera.