Pretty city

Took a ride around West Seattle today. It was truly beautiful. Click the picture if you want to see more.

Workout = feeling better

Ahem, things feel better. Just got back from the gym with J, just 40 minutes of creepy sweating and straining muscles and the world just seems like a better place. hmph.

My studio is clean, eBay is happening, and - if I'm not mistaken - I'll be able to paint tonight (Huzzah!). I've posted heaps of photos from Sunday's wanderings through the abandoned buildings of Snohomish & today's wanderings on Capital Hill. I even updated alla Flickr stuff I can grab with details about the photos.

It's warming up here in the studio, finally & I guess I have an hour or two before I need to knock off. I'm Jr. Mom'ing tomorrow & two two year olds will not have it if I'm tired when I show up in the morning. The rest of the week will be very busy, a nice change of pace.

Grateful, again.

Up late, can't remember quote I wanted to lay on ya

There is another quote Pema Chodron uses that I like, I just can't recall it. It starts "Life is Short"...

Not to belabor things, but I needed to spend tonight crying. A clearing of the muck of frustration and acceptance and every other thing I struggle for and against, that's the idea behind allowing the tears. I used to cry easily and I suppose, compared to some, I still do. But today, it's taken a lot - digging deep beneath what should be done and what I want to do to get to the sadness that is what I have right now.

Not that it's a pure thing. I have this sadness hopelessly wrapped up in Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know". I was practicing the adult habit of stifling my feelings after getting bad news about a friend who deserves nothing but good & that song came on. I started to sing it, thinking that the last thing I'd end up doing would be sniffling - but that is exactly what happened. Evidently, this squishing your feelings down thing doesn't discriminate between anger/sadness & so whatever one is squishing can come right back up, no matter what the emotion is that kicks off the emotion parade.

Which brings me to the last part of this tale that I'd like to share. Not many people I know are aware that Alanis Morissette wasn't singing about some Playa, some broody big ol' bad man who stomped all over her heart. She was singing about... Dave Coulier - better known as a stand up comic who played Uncle Joey on Full House & did the voices for the damn muppet baby cartoons, for crying out loud. Evidently they haven't totally copped to it yet, but it's all over the online urban legends sites. Not a big deal at all, but heaping vengence on a guy who played baby "Animal" on the muppets doesn't seem to be called for -kinda takes the zing out of the song for me.

Ah well, I've noticed that I'm not making much sense these days. I'm sad & my feelings are hurt by how big life can be. Everyone goes through that, surely.

Be good to your people y'all. Seriously.

what is that feeling...?

Today started off just fine, up with the pretend sun and enjoying a cup of coffee with J. The sun is out and it looks like a pretty day. I had a lovely evening last night, a rare joining together with others to ... put together a jigsaw puzzle.

But, I'm fussy. There's really no denying it. I can feel the urge to crawl back up to bed and hide out. I won't do that though, I think I've seen enough of that behavior for now.

Instead, I'm heading out - errands for now. With the reflection in recent days on not withdrawing, not avoiding feelings, I should have a fairly interesting day. Along with the good in the air, there has been a rash of very bad news and so I've found myself bursting into tears at odd times. Hopefully, that won't happen at the grocery store, but if it does, I'll mutter some faux-buddhist stuff & haul ass back to the car.

Odd post, but oh well.

Dans l'histoire du monde, c'est nes pas grande chose - right?

Rilke Sunday

beauty and terror
God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you:
beauty and terror. Just keep going.
No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.

--Rilke

In the last year, I've been so wrapped up in managing illness and recovering that I've indulged my tendency to limit my participation in life, in order to increase my level of comfort. I'm moving out of that phase (got evicted, I figure) and am walking right into the stubbornness I have around feeling everything. Each discomfort I feel seems to suggest a new chronic condition - some process of ageing gone awry. It's easy to retreat away from that sensation.

Previously, I've toughed out plenty of circumstances that aren't in my comfort zone. In fact, that was my m.o., to feel my stomach drop or fill with butterflies at least once per day. As health returns and energy builds (and gets used), I need to get back to that.

Onward.

"Beings long to free themselves from misery, but misery itself we follow and pursue.

We long for joy, but in our ignorance, destroy it as we would an enemy."

Terrific weekend, though we were head down for the bulk of it. Seems like J & I are getting to enjoy the house now, instead of getting used to it.

Lack of maitri...

I am working on a playlist for today, after checking my *solar return chart for this year. I wish I had Steve Earl on the computer - instead, Frank Black is the song writer of choice - along with Pema Chodran for the woo woo quotient. The mix is coming along nicely - a song pops up here and there as I do other things.

2007 is a year where I can make goals again. I am going to assume that, even if it's not true. Goals drive so much of what I do. The solar return suggested a year of learning through unexpected events, along with - mainly - work.

Edit: The tape list is done - I'm still going heavy on Howe Gelb and there is a cat power song, but apart from that it was not so predictable. I also finished my goals - chock full of health stuff, typical house and pet stuff and work stuff too. Nice to get that part out of the way.









*solar return chart: update of the natal astrological chart, showing influences for the current year.